A Small Spark

Wrath, fury, rage — whatever you call it, anger is a powerful emotion. Unfortunately, it’s often an unhelpful one. Anger is a natural human experience, and sometimes there are valid reasons to get mad like feeling hurt by something someone said or did or experiencing frustration over a situation at work or home. But uncontrolled anger can be problematic for your personal relationships and for your health.

James says, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” (James 1:19) What a powerful statement from James, and so relevant today. James says, be a good listener and slow to open your mouth. Right now, everyone wants to be heard. Everyone wants to tweet, write something profound on Facebook, and comment on every post, article, etc. on the internet. But James says, slow down, take things in, and don’t express yourself so quickly. For the anger of man doesn’t accomplish what God wants to accomplish in each one of us. In other words, your anger can never make things right in God’s sight.

What James doesn’t say is not to get angry. Well-managed anger can be a useful emotion that motivates you to make positive changes. On the other hand, anger if it isn’t handled appropriately, may have destructive results for you and those closest to you. Uncontrolled anger can lead to arguments, physical fights, physical abuse, assault and self-harm.

James continues in Chapter 4. “What causes fights and quarrels? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves.” (James 4:1-2) Are there “fights and quarrels” in your life? If you’re not seeing eye to eye with someone, do what you can to set that relationship right. Some people hold on to hurts from the past and never learn to let them go. Eventually this anger and resentment controls them. 

Rick Warren offers this advice “For your own sake, learn from it, and then let it go.”

James proceeds by drawing comparisons between the tongue—the words we say—and other relatively small things which possess great power. Ships guided by small rudders, horses guided by small bits, forests set ablaze by tiny sparks. He paints these pictures to drive home his point that the tongue-such a small thing-has the potential to cause great damage.

Here’s a few strategies to keep anger at bay:

Check yourself. It’s hard to make smart choices when you’re in the grips of a powerful negative emotion. Rather than trying to talk yourself down from a cliff, avoid climbing it in the first place. Try to identify warning signs that you’re starting to get annoyed. When you recognize the signs, step away from the situation or try relaxation techniques to prevent your irritation from escalating.

Change the way you think. When you’re angry, it’s easy to feel like things are worse than they really are. Through a technique known as cognitive restructuring, you can replace unhelpful negative thoughts with more reasonable ones. Instead of thinking “Everything is ruined,” for example, tell yourself “This is frustrating, but it’s not the end of the world.”

Relax. Simple relaxation strategies, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help soothe angry feelings. If you practice one or more of these strategies often, it will be easier to apply them when angry feelings strike.

Improve your communication skills. People often jump to conclusions when they’re angry, and they can say the first (often unkind) thing that pops into their heads. Try to stop and listen before reacting. Then take time to think carefully about how you want to reply. If you need to step away to cool down before continuing the conversation, make a promise to come back later to finish the discussion.

Recognize (and avoid) your triggers. Give some thought to the things that make you mad. If you know you always get angry driving downtown at rush hour, take the bus or try to adjust your schedule to make the trip at a less busy time. If you always argue with your spouse at night, avoid bringing up contentious topics when you’re both tired. If you’re constantly annoyed that your child hasn’t cleaned his room, shut the door so you don’t have to look at the mess.

You can’t completely eliminate angry feelings. But you can make changes to the way those events affect you, and the ways in which you respond. By making the effort to keep your anger in check, you and the people close to you will be happier for the long run. Remember, “A man who learns to control his tongue will have gained self-control over his entire body.”